I have spent the last six months paying close attention to what other people say about me.
I have listened to people describe my strengths. I have asked follow-up questions when people have told me off. And I have explored what they thought I should stop doing. Before you suggest a counsellor, let me tell you what I have gained from this.
I took this on, because I discovered at the beginning of the year that I am poor at noticing my own strengths and weaknesses. Apparently, this is a common problem. Many of us struggle to understand our passions and abilities and weaknesses, but we sort of push on, believing that we are the only one who can truly know what we are capable of. I have also learnt that this is not true. I also found that I try to project an image of myself based on my fears, which most people can see through pretty quickly.
So, in order to be the best version of myself, it was put to me: rather than assume I know best, how about I listen to others? And not just their general thoughts, but listen closely and ask them to be specific in their reasons. Then, go away and think through the feedback.
The results astounded me.
Let me give you one example. I have learnt that I am poor with follow-through, and this often frustrates people. “Why don’t you just stick to the task and get it done?” Connected to this is a follow-up statement, “You always over promise and under deliver!”
In the past, I would immediately launch into defence mode. But as I said, now I decided to pay attention to what they said, and so I asked questions. Then I asked myself questions.
What I found was that I accept jobs on the basis of trying to be helpful, but that I really don’t have time to do them. Then I get distracted and lack follow-through. And I do “over promise” and “under deliver,” which to me is a sign that I want to work hard and help but to others is a sign that I am unreliable and don’t know what I am doing.
So, I listened more, and I talked it through with trusted friends, and I discovered that I am poor at follow-through when I am by myself and the task involves ticking off a list. They have encouraged me to stop that kind of work. But they also helped me to see that I excel at follow-through when I have to continually adapt and problem-solve as I go, and when the task is done with others.
Having others affirm that I am good at that, and that it is a unique skill, has really helped me to embrace it. In the past, I would have dismissed it as just something everyone can do. But it was that last point, “when the task is done with others,” that really surprised me. As an introvert, I like working by myself. However, this year I have discovered the benefit of working with others and others have helped me see all that I have gotten done with them. Both of these points are new to me, especially as I work out the best version of me.
However, it is challenging. It is hard for me to invite others to comment and affirm me. But the benefits have been profound. I assumed I knew me. In some ways I was wrong. It demonstrates a truth that Project Nexus holds dear: being a leader is a team activity. Even if the team is just there to help you to be the best version of yourself.
My strong encouragement to you and me is to gather and listen to your “team” of supporters. They might know you better than you know yourself.
PS. If the thought of asking others a series of questions is too daunting, start with some questions you can probably answer yourself. This is where I started:
My friends usually like me because I’m…?
My friends don’t like me when I…?
How do I want to be perceived by others? Is that the real authentic me, or am I playing pretends?
