I can be disappointed in so many ways, but the one that makes me feel punched in the stomach is when I haven’t been completely honest with myself about my goals.
However, here is the catch: I rarely understand that I haven’t been honest with myself at the start. I don’t notice it until everything goes well, but I am left feeling, that was not what I hoped.
Let me give you an example. I recently had a major art project go very well. My stated story was that I wanted to engage the community through my art and give them a space to contemplate how our God is present and active. My measure was to have 100 conversations about God. Pretty specific. The result: thousands went through the art work over the two weeks, and we had hundreds of conversations ranging from COVID, general health, God and how He is present. What is more, many significant people attended, including people who then asked to install the art at their workplaces, including Prisons Tasmania.
When I told all this to one of my key supporters, she challenged me, “You sound disappointed, but how can you be after all this?”
My response, “It was too safe. No one was offended. We didn’t get in any media, and the art community didn’t come.”
She was shocked. “Why do you care if it was safe? It had a huge impact. Why is it important that the art community come along?”
Why indeed? My ‘story’ said I wanted to engage the community. And, on one level, that is true. But the deeper story is, I wanted the art community to be the first ones to join in and support me. And, at an even deeper level, I wanted their respect. And there it is.
Part of this is getting to the bottom of my more honest story. Is it important to me to have a measure around the art community?
But another part of this is interrogating myself about why I care if the art community responds and if I have their respect. Is this valid and constructive, or is i this a problem in me?
What am I really looking for? Fame? Fortune? Legacy?
Or, Should I listen more to the people around me, who backed me in this art work and are celebrating the success of it? Do I pay attention to them or the art community? I can’t pay attention to everyone.
The truth is, I have great people around me. People who understand me, who ride the highs and lows of my life and practice, and speak life to me in the middle of successes and failures.
And the more honest I can be with myself and the core people around me, the better life goes.
